Humour & Lighter Moments

 

Text Moments

• Try these Brain Teasers to loosen up!
• Ode to the Passing of Common Sense
• The Squirrel and the Grasshopper
• Christmas Cake Recipe - Very Interesting version!
• Give the Cat (Kitty) a Pill - best of luck!
• Peter Kaye One Liners
• If you lived as a child in the 40s thru to the 70s
• You Know You're Living in the Year 2010 when...

 

 

Brain Teasers

Try all 3 before looking at the answers

A Bat & Ball costs £1.10p.  The bat costs £1 more than the ball.

How much does the Ball cost?

A farmer has 24 crows in his field and so takes aim with his shotgun and shoots 4 birds.

How many are left in the field?

Three friends share a meal at a restaurant.  The bill comes to £30.

They divide it equally, paying ten pounds each. 

But the waiter realises he's made a mistake and should have charged £25.

He gives the friends five pounds back.  They decide to take one pound each and give the waiter a £2 tip.

So each person ends up paying £9 and the waiter keeps £2, making £29 in total.

What happened to the missing £1?

 

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Christmas Fruit Cake Recipe

Ingredients

• 1 Cup of Water,
• 2 cups dried fruit,
• 1 cup brown sugar
• 1 teaspoon salt,
• 8 oz nuts,
• 4 large eggs
• 1 teaspoon baking soda,
• 1 lemon, juice of
• 1 bottle whisky

Method

1. Sample the whisky to check for quality
2. Take a large bowl. Check the whisk again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
3. Repeat.
4. Turn on the electric Mixer , beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
5. Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup
6. Turn off the mixerer. Break two eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the dried fruit. Mix on the tunrer. If the fried druit gets Stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a screwdriver.
7. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticy
8. Next sift to cups of salt... or something.. Who cares?
9. Check the whisky.
10. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one tablespoon of sugar, or something; whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake fin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat of the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window check the whisky again and go to bed.

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Kitty Medication

"Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function." - Unknown

How to Give Your Cat a Pill by Peggy Althoff

1. Grasp cat firmly in Your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty.” Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle feeding position. sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly " Who's boss here anyway?” Open cat’s mouth, take pill and Oooops!
9. This isn’t working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing, claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over it’s stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fir (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

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Peter Kaye one liners …………

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston ByPass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

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If you lived as a child in the 40s thru to the 70s

If you lived as a child in the 40's, 50's, 60's or 70's, it's hard to believe that we've lived as long as we have...

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Our cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cupboards, and when we rode our bikes we had no helmets.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No mobile phones!

We got cut and broke bones and broke teeth, and there were no law suits from these accidents. They were ACCIDENTS. No one was to blame, but us. Remember accidents?

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, video games, 65 channels on pay TV, video tape movies, surround sound, personal mobile phones, Personal Computers, Internet chat rooms ... we had friends. We went round to their homes and talked to them.

We ate patty cakes, bread and butter, and drank cordial, but we were never overweight ... because we were always outside playing. We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one died from this.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and although we were told it would happen, we hardly ever 'put someone's eye out with that!

Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat it. Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. Parents actually SIDED with the law against us!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers ever. The past 50 years has been an explosion of new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility. We learned how to deal with it all.

Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids - before lawyers and government regulated our lives.

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You Know You're Living in the Year 2010 when...

• Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have e-mail.
• You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
• Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
• You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home.
• Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.
• You buy a computer and 3 months later it's out of date and sells for half the price you paid.
• Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
• Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.
• You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
• You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
• Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
• Your idea of being organized is multiple-coloured Post-it notes.
• You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
• You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
• You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
• You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
• You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
• You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)
• You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
• Even worse; you know exactly who you are going to forward this to...

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Brain teaser Answers

1.  The ball costs 5p and not possibly what you thought, 10p.

Don't forget, the bat costs £1 more than the ball, so if the ball is 5p, the bat at £1 more is £1.05, hence the total is £1.10p

2.  4!  All dead ones as the others flew away at the sound of the gun shot!

3.  There is no missing pound.

You don't add the £2 to the £27 they've paid because the £2 is already included in that £27 - The £2 features twice.

The actual sum is the £27 plus the £3 they got back, which brings you to the original £30.

The premise of the question is false!

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